The Real Housewives of New York City recap: A surf-and-turf hit-and-run

It’s taken three episodes to get the entire cast of The Real Housewives of New York together in one room, but there they finally were at the end of Wednesday night’s hour, somehow looking like they were attending a costume party, rather than just your average magazine cover party in a Mediterranean bunker. And after we’ve waited all this time to see them together, and after Luann has finally wound her way through what was apparently a sphinx-filled labyrinth given the amount of time it took her to get to Dorinda, what do we hear?

Heyyyyy.”

I must say, it was a little underwhelming as far as endings go, especially considering that the last episode ended with a—never forget—Tyler Perry quote. But as Mr. Perry once said (according to Dorinda’s quick google of “quotes about forgiveness when your friend is being a little biatch” and completely unverified by my own Google search), “When you haven’t forgiven those who’ve hurt you, you turn your back against your future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward.”

Indeed, I want to move forward with this season of RHONY; I want to forgive this episode for not giving me a Lu and Dorinda confrontation, and I want to throw a little Konmarie method in the mix by thanking it for all the amazing Sonja Morgan moments. And in the meantime, I will continue to offer one-sided judgment with little to no discretion because I’ve learned from the Bravo best. And what better place to start than finally offering up a completely objective and unimpeachable ranking of season 11’s taglines.

RAMONA: “The only thing I’ll settle for—is more!” Y’know, someone says a variation of this on every single season in every single city, and never, not once has it made sense. You can’t settle for more. That’s not what settling is! Settling is when you accidentally glue on your eyelashes to look like that one winking tongue-out emoji, but you just go with it because there’s no time to change before the clam bake you weren’t invited to.

LUANN: “I plead guilty…to being fabulous.” Luann, you were arrested. Then you slipped your cuffs, verbally assaulted a police officer, and had to go to rehab. I just…don’t know if this is the place to invoke fabulousness. Question mark.

BETHENNY: “When life gives me limes, I make margaritas.” Listen, I get what Bethenny is going for here, and it’s not awful. But it’s also not good; like if I went outside and said, “It’s raining pigs and monkeys!” If Bethenny just twirled around in her red dress and said, “Buy SkinnyGirl lunchmeat!” like she really wants to, I’d have more respect for it.

TINSLEY: “Game…set…now I need a match!” This sounds like a line from Millionaire Matchmaker, and also gives me that deep, deep sadness that only Millionaire Matchmaker ever could. Actually, they should bring back Millionaire Matchmaker just for Tinsley. Won’t some millionaire just match with Tinsley already? She’s very good at tennis!!!

DORINDA: “If you got a problem with me…it’s your problem!” Sure, sure, a classic Housewives tagline. Also a pretty clear indication of a much deeper issue with accountability, but really—that’s what makes it a classic!

SONJA: “People call me over the top, but lately? I prefer being a bottom!” Reader, I screamed. Not since, “There’s nothing gray about these gardens” have I screamed like this. Does Sonja know what she’s saying? Absolutely not. But ohmyandycohen, it’s good. Like when RHOA’s Sheree once suggested that people call her “bad waiter” because she’s always spilling the tea—Sonja’s tagline must be rewarded for sheer audacity. A queen of taglines, truly…

NEXT…

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